I Am Only Me

And I can only post once in a while.

But I think I will, once again, try to maintain this blog. But not as anything important. It will simply be, as the title states, my own thoughts at the moment. If I forget about this blog again, then darn.

It was never really important anyway.

But it does help me get thoughts down and I have a few to share with myself at the moment:  Why do I get so easily drained, socially.

I don't think it's that huge of a deal, most of the time, but why am I so introverted and yet maintain an extroverted front. I wonder if there is a reason why I try to do it.

It probably has to do with something I resolved when I was younger, a me that wanted to be liked by everyone. I think, now, that while that is a great dream, that everyone could like me, it's an impossible one. So I think I'll find a new dream and pursue it.

But that doesn't answer the main question, namely, why at social events my body's energy hits the ground face first. Why can I pretend to be extroverted at all.

Maybe the answer lies in my going against my own brain's personal nature. I am, by nature, an introvert, and by pretending to be an extrovert it sometimes kills me a little. Even hanging out with one friend for a longer period of time is enough to wear away my miniscule patience.

And that irritates me, like many things do. While I am good at hiding my rage behind words online or in writing, I become a blathering idiot after some time. My thoughts get jumbled like I gigantic symphony gone awry. Chaos ensues and the point is lost.

I think I'm veering from the point again. But what is the point of a blog but to post my thoughts? Besides...these are roundabout ramblings and nothing more.

Cheers!

The Point

Everything we know are simply human concepts. But they rule our lives. Fairness, justice, equality, "the point," all of them are simply rules of the universe and of human nature. We name and label things. But why?

I've grown up religious and told that I won't understand God's plan no matter what. As a result I don't understand why so many suffer. Why do so many go to Hell?

If you're religious your probably said something like:

It's part of the plan.
It was their choice.
They were evil.

... or you shrugged me off.

If you're the rare person you actually attempted to answer my question and probably failed. If you can answer I would love it. Really I would.

But hear my argument first.

Let me reason the only way I know how, and using only simple concepts that I understand as a simple human being.

God molded the universe.
As a result he determines all the rules.
Human nature is a device made by God.
All our concepts and facts and beliefs are molded by Him.
God is omnipotent and as a result omniscient.
As a result He knows all that is or ever will be.
As a result He knows all human beings on Earth.
As a result He knows how all of us are going to grow up to be.
God placed us on Earth, he may or may not of chosen the specific point to be placed.

Now let me place down two facts known by most Christians:

God loves us.
God knows all.
We have free will.

Allow me to argue two and leave the other in the air. I'll argue free will to start. First I'll start with the facts I placed. God made the universe and all it's rules. He made us and our own nature, how we will react to things. Then he placed us in a garden with two trees we aren't supposed to eat from. The devil pressured us into eating the fruit.

Now God knew all this, and as a result he knew we would fail the test and be kicked out of the Garden of Eden. It was predestined for it to happen FROM GOD'S VEIWPOINT. From ours we simply made a bad choice. Which was influenced by a creation of God.

He created Satan; Lucifer, rather. If God knew all when he created the brilliant angel and Earth... why?

My answer is God is probably a storyteller. He has the same concept of conflict as we all do. I wonder...

But in the end, I guess it doesn't matter.

I believe in the morals I was raised with. I believe in those and I believe if God exists, which I do not deny, he will judge me off of the choices I made.

That is all, I guess. All that was rather... pointless I guess.

But then again, I kinda use this as a journal anyway, and these are my true thoughts.

Cheers.

The Best I Can Be

Lately, I've been trying harder.

I wonder if it will amount to anything.

But honestly, I've realized, it doesn't matter. Everything is a mean to its own end. One must do something for the sake of doing that something, nothing more. Ultimately, if you look into it, they all lead to happiness or money, and if they aren't, you've gotta ask, why are you doing it?

I am someone lucky. I'm one who can be happy simply doing. It doesn't really matter what I'm doing, as long as I'm doing it with people I "don't mind", by myself, and I feel it is bettering me in some way. That can be anything from a chore to homework. From exercise to sitting down in a chair to read. From a puzzle to a sport. I'm easily pleased.

I've also found that I hate comparing things. No that isn't right. I hate it when people judge non-factual things and try to compare them. Yes, I know that society is steeped in that and I should just get used to it, but heck, I hate it and little else will change my mind.

For now, if only for now, I feel I have an idea of what defines me in a simple broad sense.

Until then I'll just keep trying hard until someone stops me.

But I won't push myself too hard.

Cheers,

Reed R Gale

P.S. Right now I'm listening to: xi - Ascension to Heaven

The Best You Can Be?

I've been thinking about things again, and feel the need to post it. So I will.

I've been wondering about why parents try to shelter their young. Isn't immunity the best protection? Isn't the best defense against knowledge to know as soon as possible? Is there a point when a person is ready for certain knowledge? can we not handle the truth?

And also... Why do we shoot for the best. I'll admit, I do it often. But honestly, whenever I think about it, I feel a... pointlessness an unreachable longing. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I will never be at the top. I will never, ever be the best. And who's to say anyone is really the best. Do our lives amount to anything? If lives amount to lives, then the meaning is 0... or any other number really. Value can't really be placed, can it? The hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy lies.

Why do I feel like such a failure all the time? Why do I feel this way? Do other people feel this way? Do they look at the other person and wonder, "What are they good at?" I almost feel like a stepping stone at times. Like, I'm a foothold for others to get ahead. I really do. Do I do it willingly? Unknowingly? I like to help... but...

Do my dreams matter? Does anyone's?

Life is such a scary illusion.

But fear is an illusion as well.

Cheers...

Reed R Gale

Day 11 (Kind of)

Oops. Missed a few days.

I remembered what I wanted to say though. Is something important because we waste time on it, or is it that we waste time on something because it's important. Both I'd say.

ANYWAY, not much has happened. I gave my presentation on Wednesday, and today I finished my article. And I found out that someone entered me in the school pageant. What. What? WHAT!? Whatever. I'll participate. I haven't gotten to sing in front of a crowd since middle school's choir.

That's something I miss at high school, there's no choir to participate in. Our school is very STEM oriented, so there's no sports team (save for Ultimate Frisbee) and Robotics. Sporty. I can't deny, those require teamwork and Frisbee is like soccer with your hands... but come now, 2 teams? Whatever. But they don't have choir. I am displeased.

My sister asked me if I believed in God. I said, if God exists, he will treat me fairly. He knows what I'm going to do anyway. She also said I was sad, as in pitiable for not having anything to believe in. I said I believe in my friends, myself, and my family. If I can't trust those, why should I trust in a cosmic being that only puppeteers us all. I trust what I can see.

Love. How do you use the word? Love to me is something that you like so much you would be willing to die for it. I don't love anything. I think. Or maybe I love everything. I feel so many things are above me in worth. So many deny that though. I'm glad they think that way... but I wonder. I bring this up because my cat, who has been missing for the past week, has returned. She had a nasty gash on her face and had to have surgery. Poor thing.

But that's not why I was thinking what I was thinking. My sister thinks that I feel happy and that I love my cat. By her definition, yes, I might. Should I answer that way to her, or should I try to inform her what I believe is different. One is lying, but the other will lead her to misunderstand. How can one truly understand another?

Does anyone even try? Probably, but I think... well trying implies failure. But I've gotta wonder--has anyone ever known anyone completely?

Maybe God knows?

Cheers!

Reed R Gale

Day 10

What is the meaning of the internet and is it more important than the meaning of life?

34.

Anyway!

Not much happened today so I'll just go on a psychological ranting spree like usual. In my mind. But now it's one a blog! Yippy!

Paracosm. That's a new word I learned a while ago, and I was wondering if I have one. I still vividly dream of fantasy worlds at night, and before I go to bed, I always try to imagine another world. Contrary to what stuff online says, my paracosm gets stronger and more vivid as I get older and not the other way round. If that were possible. Have I discovered the fountain of youth?

No.

I've been reading the rules of the internet. Those are so true. Reading them (if you are a person relatively versed in the culture of the internet) will be so true and so funny to you. But not to those silly internet illiterate people who have LIVES. Those silly people.

It's nagging me in the back of my head. I had something I wanted to say here just an hour previously, but now I have forgotten! Woe is me! What intellectual jewel hath I forgotten about that I cannot post on this awesomely beautiful blog! I deserve to dieeeee---...

Or not. If I died, who would continue to blog here. And help my friends on osu.

Speaking of death, my friends at school and I have a running gag that I can die, and in fact die quite frequently, however I come back on Tuesdays. Why Tuesday? It seemed right at the time.

Who knows, really.

Cheers!

Reed R Gale

Day 9

I really don't feel like writing right now, but I promised myself. I can do this.

...I just read about two webcomics. I'm awesome.

Anyway, now that I'm a little less distracted, guess what I have for all you readers out there (population 0)~! Religious stuff!

So God is supposed to be an omnipotent, omniscient being that creates us all, right? If that's true, he knows exactly how we're going to turn out when were created, everything we're going to do, and every that well ever be done, ever. If that's true, then isn't everything we do the will of God? He planned it all, every step of the way, right?

My point is, why bother trying to be something you're not. If God made you the way you are, do what you think is right. Whatever you choose, God intended it to be that way.

Right?

Whatever, it doesn't really matter anyway.

I'm tired. I got 5 hours of sleep last night.

Good night.

Cheers?

Reed R Gale